what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize