Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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