Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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