I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think my moral compass just broke
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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