i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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