My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
