I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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