I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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