she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
