just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
