I don't think brook has ever known best
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
