how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
