u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
