Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
