he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
