And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
