My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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