i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
