tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize