i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
