He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
