Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
