So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
