I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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