remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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