you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
