I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to sanitize my soul.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
