You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
