Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
