Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
