Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
