if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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