hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
even my farts smell like vagina
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
