Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize