Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
