i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
