If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize