Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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