So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
