I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
