when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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