Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
