I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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