Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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