So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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