Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
