dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
