No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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