I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no you cant smoke seaweed
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
