By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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