Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
