I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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