Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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