Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
