haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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