I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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