Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
