Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
