Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
