I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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