wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
